Fishing Q&A

Where can I get proper gear for fly fishing in Brisbane?

When can I get the best price on fishing gear? Especially on freshwater fishing gear. Such as watercraft/flotation devices for lakes, fly fishing kits, and lures. When do large companies such as walmart and bass pro shops have their online deals?? Just got a new fly pole and about to pick up the sport, any DVD or Book recommendations? Any advice? I live in california.

Is fly fishing worth the effort or should I stick with the basic spinning gear? Usually I'll be fishing for smaller trout in the High Sierra.

Any good websites dedicated to fly fishing flies? I am not interested in buying gear or any sales pomotions. I get enough of that my popup blocker is exhausted. Are there sites with any good fly fishing flies, with pictures, that work in certain rivers or states. Stories of these flies will be very interesting. No fish tales please.

Where do I begin with fly fishing? I really want to get into fly fishing. I have spin fished since I came out of the womb and never really gotten into casting flies. I have zero knowledge on it. I have zero gear and no idea where to start. I am going to attend a beginner's class at my local Orvis outfitter's store and I expect them to tell me a ton. I just can't wait for the class in a week. Anyway, any and all info welcome! I need some lists of rods and reels, line, and any other gear I should know about! Thanks!

What's a good fly fishing gift? I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, and he loves fly fishing. What kind of gear or flys should I get him?

Help on picking out my first fly fishing rod? I'm an absolute beginner at fly fishing....I have just barely gotten the hang of casting and how to catch a fish...but now I want my OWN gear. I've only been on two fly fishing trips with others and I think I'm ready to head off myself once in a while. The thing is, I would like to get a nice, decent rod for a good price. Do you have any suggestions? I have been told that those fly fishing kits you can buy are absolute crap. All your answers were excellent!! I'm gonna have to let the public vote on this one... thanks for your help!!!!!

fly fishing setup? i want to do some freshwater flyfishing for trout. i want to know some basic info. what size rod, what kind of fly line, leader, tippet. what is a good setup to start with. i have been fly fishing for a couple of years with some success but im not to advance with the proper setup for real success. im not talking about fly selection, just gear.

WHERE AND HOW to find Fly Fishing in Vancouver, Anchorage, Ketichan & Juneua on an Alaskan Cruise? We are on a cruise and in each town for over 6 hours. We want to find out where to go and what to bring to catch river trout? Moreover how find and arrive at the best spots? So we need info & recommendations on all the following Transportation? RENT A CAR? What gear to bring? What Clothes to bring? Where to find a Guide? Where to find a Tackle shop?

Fly fishing in Alabama? I live in the south eastern corner of Alabama and am looking to get into Fly Fishing this summer. I have done fly fishing before but i wasn't able to free up time to do it and sold my gear. So i'm looking to start up again but i just moved to Alabama. So anyway, i am wondering about some places to try fly fishing in the south eastern corner of alabama.

Sea fishing in Aberaeron? Im going to Aberaeron for a week,next week,and was just wondering where the best areas are ans the best techniques.I dont have sea fishing gear as i live inland and course fish(and fly)so what could i improvise with? Thanks

does anybody know anything about these lakes & rivers? hi i live in thornton (in blackpool) and i live about 5 minutes away from the river Wyre. i want to fish in it but i don't know whats in it or what to fish with. if anybody knowes please tell me. also, has anybody ever fished for pike in stanley park lake in blackpool? if so tell me how you caught it and tell me how big it was. if anyone has fished there tel me all the fish you've caught. i don't have fly fishing gear, but i do have carp,pike and coarse fishing gear. thanks

Am I breaking the law if I fly my kite too high ? Ages ago I went for picnic with friends in National Trust park, and before leaving I saw a kite in the garage and my grand-dad's old fishing gear. I took the kite and the fishing reel full of deep sea fishing line... and attached them........ When at the park the kite went up really high.... took all of the fishing line up in the air. Then this big jumbo jet came across to the sky (something I hadn't considered would happen) and I was genuinely worried for a few moments my kite was gonna get sucked in to engine. Hehe thats quite funny suck ma. :D

Fishing the Kenai Penninsula? August 1st I'm off to Alaska for some fishing and sightseeing. According to the fish run charts, it looks like I'll be arriving just in time for some silver salmon and trout runs. I was wondering if fly fishing is THE way to go or if spinning rods were just as effective? I haven't fly fished in about 10 years, but I still have all my gear. Any particular spinning combo I should use (i.e. 7ft rod with 20 lbs test?). Any particular lures or bait that work well?

Are there any good trout streams in Western Washington? I want to fly fish but don't have the gear for Salmon or Steelhead. Where can I fish for trout on the west side of the mountains?

Walking into the wilderness and surviving over a long period ? (Perhaps years)? I am seriously considering walking into the wilderness and living my life peacefully. I would like to live off of the land, wildlife, lakes, streams and rivers. This is NOT a fly-by-night decision and I would welcome any suggestions or experiences that anyone may have had in this area. I have researched such things as must have survivalist essentials. Tent, sleeping bag, survivalist kits, rifles, fishing gear, survival books, food, water, clothing, etc., etc. What I am interested in reading about from readers is personal experiences or from people who would be interested in attempting the same lifestyle. I am planning this major step in my life sometime within the next three months. Experiences ? Suggestions ? Encouragement ? Interest in participating ? All ideas are welcome. Please, serious responses only. Thanks.

How do I get REAL emarketing advice that isn't another sales scam? How do I tell the difference? There seems to be a lot of junk advice out there, and most is geared to get me to leave my money. Some scams promise thousands of hits for a few bucks, but have robots hit your site, or hits from countries that don't do me any good. I need REAL marketing advice for REAL avenues for me to pursue that REALLY work. website to promo: www.fly-fishing-flies.com

why do people say that pike don't fight? People say that pike dont fight. you are probly useing the wrong type of gear. Any fish will fight if given the chance to. ive just started fly fishing for pike and its the best fishing ever especially when you catch a pike around 18 pounds. the fight goes on for days. Dam rite 18 pounds. I live in corby but i got on alot of fishing trips and they got a good lake near me filled full of pike and he lets me fly fish for them. The recored for the lake is 25 pounds. thats not true little ones fight but go crazy e.g. jump and more. i dont see many car jumping carp jumping dam rite its good fun

Which word is left out? It starts with spider and the last word is roof. You need to use all of the words in the list except one to complete the chain. So the first would be 'spider' plus another word that fits. then that word plus another on the list. lastly it would be a word from the list added to roof to finishe the chain. there will be one word left over - what is that word? the list: tail monkey gear dry kite fishing bone fly sailor bar clean slate box

Question about Pennsylvania snakes? I was out fly fishing with my boyfriend today in Bellefonte, PA. I was standing pretty close to the shore, probably about to my knees, without proper gear or even boots and a snake floated right past me and touched my leg. I wanted to know what kind of snakes are found like that in water here. It was about 2 ft long probably and it was curled around into a sort of semi circle. It had reddish brown and tan blotchy stripes going across the body, not lengthwise. I wish I had gotten a better look at it, but I have a debilitating phobia of snakes and completely panicked. I'm fairly sure it wasn't poisonous, and from what I've read, I think it might have been a Northern water snake. If anyone has any knowledge on this subject, please let me know! I'd like to know if it was a brush with death or a stupid ditzy girl screaming in a river for no real reason.

trout fisshing the nor. cal. sierra neveda's? Was wondering if anyone trout fishes up in the sierra neveda mountains, I'm totally addicted to it. I'm curious what rivers you like to fish. My favorites are the middle fork. stanislaus, east walker, little walker, east carson, clark fork, upper sac. Hey maybe we can go fishin sometime, fly or spinning gear.

Blonde Jokes? Star if your laughed! Star if you laughed!

did u know this about WD-40?? I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that some vandal had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck. I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do - probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I ' m impressed! WD-40... Water Displacement #40: The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It ' s the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It ' s a miracle! 1. Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It ' s now shinier than it ' s ever been. You ' ll be amazed. 2. Here are some more uses: 3. Protects silver from tarnishing. 4. Removes road tar and grime from cars. 5. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings. 6. Gives floors that ' just-waxed ' sheen without making it slippery. 7. Keeps flies off cows. 8. Restores and cleans chalkboards. 9. Removes lipstick stains. 10. Loosens stubborn zippers 11. Untangles jewelry chains. 12. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks. 13. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill. 14. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing. 15. Removes tomato stains from clothing. 16. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots. 17. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. 18. Keeps scissors w! orking smoothly. 19. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes. 20. Gives children ' s play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide. 21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handlin g on riding mowers. 22. Rids a kid rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises. 23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open. 24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close. 25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers. 26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles. 27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans. 28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling. 29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly. 30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools. 31. Removes splattered grease on stove. 32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging. 33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs. 34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell). 35. Removes all traces of duct tape. 36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain (Granddaddy had something there!) 37. Florida ' s favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers." 38. The favorite use in the state of New York --WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. 39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it ' s a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states. 40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch. 41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag. 42. Also, if you ' ve discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone! 43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. 44. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for that nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn ' t seem to harm the finish and you won ' t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. 45. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40! P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL. Interesting..,

Did you know WD-40 could do all this? 1) Protects silver from tarnishing. 2) Removes road tar and grime from cars. 3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings. 4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery. 5) Keeps flies off cows. 6) Restores and cleans chalkboards. 7) Removes lipstick stains. 8) Loosens stubborn zippers. 9) Untangles jewelry chains. 10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks. 11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill. 12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing. 13) Removes tomato stains from clothing. 14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots. 15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. 16) Keeps scissors working smoothly. 17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes 18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. 19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40! 20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide. 21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers. 22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises. 23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open. 24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close. 25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as viny l bumpers. 26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles. 27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans. 28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling. 29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly. 30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools. 31) Removes splattered grease on stove. 32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging. 33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs. 34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell). 35) Removes all traces of duct tape. 36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain. 37) Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.' 38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. 39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states. 40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch. 41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag. 42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry , saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone! 43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. 44) Removes the sticky adhesive off DVD covers. P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL. To fuzy look at number 36 I am not a salesman Just a homemaker I am not getting $$$$$$$ for this Just dispensing useful information and hoping it's true

Ever wanted to annoy everyone at the mall? Wow, some of you must really love to annoy people in public because I've had at least three emails asking me to give advice on annoying people in malls, stores, and WEDDINGS?! So I tracked this down, it's a long list, but the more the merrier! XD Thanks for reading, guys!!! Enjoy!! Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “My SHOELACES! AAAGH!” Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen... ....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”. Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?” Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. Test mattresses in your pajamas. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. Sprint up the down escalator. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France...” Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. Play the tuba for change. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz.” Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant junk made out of straw.” “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”. “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. Loudly. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. Squawk at your reflection. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.” At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.” Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet. Walk up the skinniest stairs in the mall with your arms out not letting anyone pass and walking really slow. Growl at anyone approaching. Alternatively, link arms with a few friends and march up the most commonly used staircase, growling at anyone approaching. Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun! Set all of the alarm clocks in any of the Bed & Bath stores to go off every ten minutes on the loudest setting possible. Buy the largest soda the stores have available, drink it down to the last inch, then stand behind someone while slurping up the remaining soda as loud as possible, when they tell you to stop it retort that you don't like to waste things. Men, go into women's clothes stores and try on skirts, underclothes, swimsuits, etc. Ask shop assistants what they think (vise-versa for women) Bring survial gear and "live" in one of the tents in a camping shops. Scream "Help" & "We're under fire" every 5 mins. Make battle noises as well! Wear you swimming clothes and go swimming in the coin pool! Wear armbands and a rubber ring for extra effect! Start a sing along in the middle of the mall. Print lots of "Fake" money, go into the mall (second floor if available) and throw it all away. Go into a pet shop and release all the birds, parrots etc. Screaming at the top of your voice "Be free my feathered friends" (DO THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! – birds have beaks) Follow someone with children around yelling "mommy I want that!" Take the money out the fountain while swimming and hand it out to people, spend it or if possible throw it from the second floor (it might hurt someone) Add strange growths to the giant lego men in the toy stores Put weird backgrounds on store computers when people aren't looking. Buy feather boa at a clothing store and hang on to the rail while waving it and screaming "Look everyone I can fly!" Stand in front of the Gap. "Fall" in repeatedly. Threaten legal action. When ever someone makes an announcement over the loud speakers cover your ears and scream "The voices...the voices...make them stop" With a friend, speak in a different language (or make up your own) and make a seen, pointing at signs and people as if they were something shiny and new that you've never seen before. Pretend you're a tourist. Walk right on people\'s heels and when they look back at you stop and look at the ceiling and when they turn back around, continue See if a yawn really is contagious. PERSONAL FAVORITE: Grab some friends and race from one side of the mall to the other. Now, I personally don’t think there’s enough here, so I’ll post a second one as soon as possible – it’ll be on what to specifically do in the stores!! In the meantime, keep emailing me ideas – I love some inspiration!!

Collection of jokes? Collection of jokes There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?" A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple whom also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog." A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35, " was the reply. "I'm actually 47, " the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, " Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's". A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider." A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand! Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!" There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by. So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again. "So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked. "Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents." "That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?" Said the woman: "All of them, of course!" Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES" The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.' 'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.' So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.' Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!' A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?' The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.' The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!' The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.' The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!' He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.' A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?" "What! Are you crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend. "No! Someone might see us..." "It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it." "No! I said no!" "Baby... don't be like that." "Come on baby pleeeeaassseee" "I'm not going to give you a blow job" "Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?" Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom." Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!' This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it? Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian ! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass ! Radio Silence A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? What does a dog do that you can step into? What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name) A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.' So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.' It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well, " she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope, " replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."' A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

WHERE AND HOW to find Fly Fishing in Vancouver, Anchorage, Ketichan & Juneua on an Alaskan Cruise? We are on a cruise and in each town for over 6 hours. We want to find out where to go and what to bring to catch river trout? Moreover how find and arrive at the best spots? So we need info & recommendations on all the following Transportation? RENT A CAR? What gear to bring? What Clothes to bring? Where to find a Guide? Where to find a Tackle shop?

blonde jokes? 1) There was a red head, brunette, and a blonde driving in a convertible car. They were driving to fast and flew over a gaurd rail and they landed in a river. The red head and the brunette float up to the surface. Why didn't the blonde? -Her door was locked! 2) A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you." 3) A Blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out. When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:"there's no fish in there". So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish there. So she moves again and the voice tells he her there are no fish there. So she looks up and see's a man looking down at her. "How do you know there are no fish there?" So the man cooly says "Well first of all this is a hockey rink and you're going to have to pay for those holes.

blondes are smart!? Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney? A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home. Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'... Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: What does a blonde Owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends. Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries? A: She's got a checkbook. Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde? A: There's a stamp on it. Play Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags on your dumb blonde friends (or anyone else for that matter) :-) Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: Threw it off a cliff. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: Keep breakin em' with hammers. Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night. Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers? A: Her IQ goes up. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man? A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head? A: A Space Invader. Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer. Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on top of her. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champion. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say? A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I? Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello" Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease? A: It only affects the brain. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde? A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats... Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? A: Double-dumb. Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under "Home Improvements." Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center? A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: 30 mins of begging. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you? A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes? A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno! Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti? A: Yeti has been spotted. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. It's with great sadness that I tell you my blonde girlfriend burned her nose last night....she was bobbing for french fries... 1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-****'ll-doooo." 2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have? A: The one that never misses a period. 3. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Thanks, guys!". 4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic? A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic. 5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic. 6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men. 7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E. 9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common? A: Both contain a cockpit 12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll? A: Around 2 cans of hair spray. 13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp? A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way. 14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks? A: Cos she's been laid all over the country. 16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer? A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet. 17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes? A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends. 18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe. 19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde? A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking. 21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. 23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme? A: HumpMe DumpMe. 25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Cuz everyone gets a turn. 28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. 29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse? A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally. 33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. 34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian? A: Well, she kept having affairs with men. 35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. 37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. 38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination? A: Silicon Glen 39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex? A: A bus shelter. 43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. 44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're fucked. 45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? 46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt? A: **** Go In Front. 47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen. 52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers. 53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week! 54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one 55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back? A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed! 58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Come. 60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common? A: Simply scratch the box to win. 61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. 62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down... 63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a ***** will screw anyone but you... 64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful... 65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology? A: She'll blow your mind, too. 66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo? A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo! 67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin? A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus 68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. 69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant? A: She blew it both times. 70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right? A: As if they've ever met! 71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all *****. 72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. 73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta. 6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity? A: B.J. 77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...? A: A blonde doing cartwheels. 78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator? A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini. 79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde? A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one. 80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties? A: Clitty litter. 81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room? A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down... 82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Because their balls would show. 83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100? A: A foursome. 85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces. 86. Q: What is a bellybutton for? A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down. 89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. 90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down. 91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? A: Her employer found that she was embezzling. 92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A: A ******** with handlebars. 95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick? A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!" 96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick. 98. Q: What does XXX stand for? A: Blondes co-signing a note. 99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set. 100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball. 101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips. She was so blonde that... She thought a quarterback was a refund. She managed to trip over my cordless phone. On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept. When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night. She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate" She got stabbed in a Shoot out. She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved. She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools. When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!" She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate". She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind. She tried to drown a fish. If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl. It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store. They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?" She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats. She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company. She tried to drown a fish. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy' Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home? A: She moved. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre? A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces. A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces." Q: What do you call a Smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-Air. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: Both are completely empty from the neck up. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane? A: Hide her Hair Dryer. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: alone. Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house? A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV" Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day? A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat". Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus? A: A visitor. A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" --------------------------------------... This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies, "Yes." He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats." --------------------------------------... Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. --------------------------------------... Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." --------------------------------------... How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll Down. ---> <----- Scroll Up. --------------------------------------... A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." --------------------------------------... As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" --------------------------------------... I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton --------------------------------------... A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." --------------------------------------... Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any," replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?" --------------------------------------... A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." --------------------------------------... ICE FISHING A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!" --------------------------------------... This one qualifies as a hilarious blonde joke! It is the best. A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!! --------------------------------------... A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" --------------------------------------... A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato." --------------------------------------... There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping. --------------------------------------... A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. You dont have to read all of them!

real or fake?????????